I've been going to the local acupuncture clinic on a semi-regular basis to get help with my knees, my neck and my stress level, and almost every time I come back from a session I have an epiphany of some sort. Tonight was no exception save in the significance of what I've become present to.
As I left the clinic parking lot, I started to worry about whether I'd find a parking spot, then decided that it was pointless since I wouldn't know until I got home anyway, and if there were no street parking I could always pull into my garage. After finding the perfect parking spot around the corner from my apartment, I stood outside on the sidewalk for a few minutes, just enjoying the quietness and dark fogginess and feeling of solitude - nobody apparently around. My mind quieted itself in fits and starts, and finally let through the realization, as I started to walk up the path to my gate with ferrets trying to chew my brain about my story titles, that I'm doing my life's work. Right here, right now. Writing. This is it. And it's okay that I get this tightness in my stomach and my breath comes shorter - I'm famous for telling other people how easy it is to confuse fear and excitement - I need to listen to my own advice. Sure, I'm afraid of sucking, but even if I do now, I won't always, and it's exciting to look forward to reading my books and stories in print. I don't have to be afraid of it.
Somehow, as I rounded the corner to my front gate, I got that writing is enough. I don't have to save the world - the things that satisfy me such as doing volunteer work are enough to fulfill that need to go hands-on with helping. I'll always do that and that's okay. Writing is both plenty and enough to make a mark in the world. And maybe if someday somebody reads something I've written and it makes a difference, I will have, in some small, quiet sense, have saved that person in a way that I can be satisfied with. It sounds like hubris, but I believe that powerful writing touches and lights something in us when we allow it in, and that's what I want to do. It's all I've ever wanted to do.
inkgrrl at 10:16 PM